Maniac Diaries
by Tsuki no kimi
Summary: Akito Sohma keeps a diary; the evidence displayed in said diary leads to the conclusion that maybe he isn't the stoic bastard the franchise portrays him as. /Total crack.
1. Dr Seahorse and Me

Sunday, March 21st, 7:30 am

Dr. Seahorse (aka Hatori) has a witty new riddle for me (not).

'when the snow melts what does it become?' he asked, as he stuck a stick in my ear (that's what it looked like, anyway).

'water, fool.' I said, trying to sound lofty. I'm the head of the Sohma house, after all.

'no!' said Dr. Seahorse. "It becomes Spring!" then he got this dopey look on his face.

Well, that's me outsmarted, isn't it?

7:50 am

I got up to get dressed, and walked towards my wardrobe. I was trying to reach for a stupid normal kimono, but my hand, almost on instinct, shot towards a horrible flowery one! Why is my hand acting of it's own accord? More importantly, who put that flowery kimono in my closet?

I bet it was that gaylord, Ayame.

12:06 am

I saw Mr. Gaylord himself prancing down the hallway of the main house. I hissed at him, 'I know you put that kimono in my closet.'

Aya almost fell down with laughter. 'that wasn't me,' he said.

'who was it?!' I demanded.

Mr. Gaylord ran away.

12:09 am

I'll shatter my pride and go ask Dr. Seahorse. I mean, Hatori.

12:40 am

Stupid Dr. Seahorse started laughing too. HATORI NEVER LAUGHS. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH HIM?

'no, it _wasn't _Aya-chan,' he said through choking.

'you mean YOU were in on this, too?!' I yelled at him.

'Of course not!' said Ha'ri a little too quickly.

Bastard.

ALL THE PEOPLE THAT COULD HAVE COMMITED THE CRIME I SHALL NEVER SPEAK OF AGAIN:

Ayame

Hatori

Shigure

my evil mother (I don't think so)

evil Rin (not enough guts, and no access to my room)

Rin through Hatsuharu (would think up something way worse)(also, see 5)

Yuki (yeah, RIGHT.)

So. Who would like me to reveal that I'm actually a girl? Who KNOWS I'm actually a girl?

Crapsticks.

2:20

Shigure was walking innocently down the hall. The stupid dog.

'SHIGURE!' I yelled. 'YOU PUT THAT STUPID THING IN MY CLOSET!!!'

'I do not know what you're talking about,' said Shigure serenely. He pointed behind him. 'but maybe they do.'

About half the Sohma house was staring at me, openmouthed.

Little nasties.

Monday, March 22nd

I am officially ignoring Shigure.

Ha.

Tuesday, March 23rd

Ritsu's mum was tottering down the hall outside my room today. What an old bag.

She went into Hatori's office, and I practically died of stifled laugher. She must be going to get her shots.

2 minutes later

Sure enough, I started to hear her wailing.

"I'M SO SORRY!!!!" she yelled at the top of her lungs. "I'LL NEVER BREAK THE NEEDLE AGAIN! IT'S ALL MY FAULT!! I APOLOGIZE TO THE WHOLE WORLD!!"

As Georgia Nicholson would say, Scary Bananas.


	2. The Kids get their Shots

Monday, March 24th

I eavesdropped on the Dog and Dr. Seahorse. they were chatting about something I couldn't understand that went like this:

" remember that day I had a dream? You and Aya all cried remember? I'll stop at nothing to get what I want. I see everything coming together so clean between Tohru Kyo Yuki? I may be forced to admit I'm the dirtiest of them all."

Well, Shigure sure is a dirty old man, but he really needs to stop taking crack. Eavesdroppers can't understand him.

Later

All the younger Sohmas are getting their shots today. it should be fun to hear them scream.

Later later

First victim has arrived. Poor Hatori! I'm so glad I don't have his job.

It's Kagura, that crazy little spazzy boar-girl. Ha! Ha! Ha!

What's that I hear?

Even more later

This is what every single bratty kid that came in for their shots said, as recorded:

Kagura: BLEEEEEHHHH! *eye-flashing* KYOOOO!!! LOOOVVEE!!!! COME IN HERE AND HOLD MY HAAAAAAAAAANDD!!!

Kyo, who was next in line, proceeded to run off. Shame I couldn't catch him and stick him in a cage like the last cat. But there's no stopping him when he's having a contest with Yuki about who can keep the needle in their arm the longest.

Kyo: YOU STUPID OLD MAN!!! GET THAT DAMN THING OUTTA MY ARM! I HAVE TO FIGHT WITH THAT ARM!!!

Hatori (muttering under his breath): Why are all the kids in the Sohma family messed up?

Yuki: Hatori-sensei, can you make Kyo stop glaring at me evilly over your shoulder?

Hatori: he's your problem.

Momiji: WAAAAHHHH!!! IT HUUURTS!!!!

Hatori: Shut up.

Hatsuharu: Please take that thing out of my arm.

Hatori: No.

Hatsuharu: Why not.

Hatori: because then you'll get Tetanus, Hepatitis B, and Scarlet Fever. And then you'll die.

Hatsuharu: No, I won't.

Hatori: Yes, you will.

Hatsuharu: YOU SCUMBAG! YOU'RE JUST A COWARD! YOU _LIKE _INFLICTING PAIN ON PEOPLE! YOU'RE SICK AND TWISTED!!

Hatori: *sigh* Next.

Hatori: Let's see... Ritsu, 21, Female?

Ritsu: No, Male.

Hatori: let's just keep it as Female since you'll be having the sex change operation any day, shall we? It's just easier that way.

Ritsu: ... I caused you trouble? OH NO!! I'M SO SORRY! I DESERVE TO DIE!!!

Hatori: I'd be happier if you were _all _dead...

Kisa: ...

Hatori: say hello to the puppet.

I saw Kisa wave to a bear that looked evil.

Hatori: good. Now, if you shut your eyes, I'm gonna put a niiiice little pin that won't hurt a bit into your arm. Can you help me count to ten?

Kisa bit Hatori. HA.

Hiro: I don't need a shot. I never get sick. Now lemme go, you old bat, why don't you?

Hatori: when am I going to get relieved? I should get paid to put up with this crap.

Shigure: Sensei! I've just come down with AIDS. You wouldn't have a shot for that, would you?

Hatori: go f**k yourself. Oh, wait. You can't. you have AIDS.

Sadly, I couldn't hold back my laughter. At that point, I burst out laughing like a criminally insane pyromaniac. Which I am, somewhat. Then Shigure turned around all *chibi* and he just looked so stupid. I feel really bad for his editor, Mi-chan or whatever the hell her name is.

Life is so much more fun when you know everything.


	3. I Wear a Kermit the Frog Mask

Wednesday, March 25th

I summoned Hatori to my rooms today.

I sad to him, in my ultimate empowered voice, "Hatori Sohma; I should be rather amused should you allow me to go to... SCHOOOOLL."

Then, I quickly turned around to the dark little girl sitting behind a screen.

"Hanajima. Give me some more aura. I'm paying you."

"essss...." she said, and thus more dark aura proceeded out from behind the screen.

"Akito, are you hiding another burnt-cupcaked easy bake oven behind that scree-

"SILENCE-U." I yelled. "yes... I should be amused if I should go to SCHOOOOLL."

Hatori said fine.

Later

Hatori says that I am now enrolled to start Kaibara High School.

"here's your uniform," he said. How did he get me enrolled and ready in the space of an hour? He must have had an affair with the teacher or something.

Later

I yelled from my room, "what is this bull?!"

Immediately Hatori came running. "what is it?"

"This bull is 'it'. What the fricking hell is wrong with this tie? It's the most ridiculously short tie I have ever had the misfortune to lay my eyes upon."

"that's how the uniform works."

"Screw it!!! then I'm not going."

I then proceeded to hear the most interesting thing from my room. It was drifting through from the TV room upstairs via air vent. It was something about, "team up! If it's not too late, we can save the day if we collaborate..."(can you guess what it is? ;)) it was a very catchy tune. I went up to investigate.

10:30

Kisa was sitting on the big couch, surrounded by Lego and Barbie heads. She was watching the most entrancingly pink girl on TV! Her name is Zoey Hanson and even though she loves someone, she takes her magical powers in saving the world first! She had cat ears and a tail with a bell and a Strawberry Bell she used to fight aliens from another world. Four other girls help her!

I demanded to know what this show was. She said, "it's Mew Mew Power! I got it from Tohru-onee-chan. She has three copies of the DVD at home!"

I then said, "Thank you, fellow Mew Mew. Together we will save the world. And day. If we collaborate."

I then phoned Hatori on my new cell phone, which I bullied him into buying for me. I said, "I'm going out, Hatori. I have a date with Death."

Hatori said, "but Mr. and Mrs. Dethur are flying in from Brazil on the twenty-second!"

"I mean Tohru Honda, you bumbling idiot," I snapped, and slid my phone shut. I then proceeded to pull a Kermit The Frog mask over my head, get out a big scarf and wrap it around my head, put sunglasses on the mask, put on a yellow sundress that my crazy Aunt Mimi sent me, and pull on a big trench coat.

"I am ready," I told the wardrobe.

12:09

That damn cat Kyo opened the door.

"'ello!" I said in a falsetto. "May I speak with Miss Honda-saaaaan...?" I trilled maniacally at the end.

"Who th'hell'r'you?" He asked, taking in my particularly dashing disguise.

"I am... Mrs.... Tiddywinkles!" I said, making up a name on the spot. How clever, hm?

"why do you need to speak with _her_?"

"I am from the union!"

I was greeted by silence. I heard a soft voice from inside go, "What's taking so long, you stupid cat? Don't you know how to answer a door?"

Kyo turned his head, and yelled back, "some ugly-ass lady is here from the onion!"

"I want to see Tooooooorr-oooooo!" I yelled back at Yuki.

"What does the Onion Lady want with Honda-san?"

"That-" I yelled back, "is matters between Tohru and moi!"

"upstairs," grunted Kyo, and pushed me up the stairs.

I walked into Tohru's room, and was greeted by a walking rice ball standing in my path.

"Hatori did the driving!" it screamed in a high-pitched voice (a joke on the English dub of Furuba ~authour).

I quickly squished it and looked around. Tohru was sitting at a little desk, staring at a photograph.

"OH!" she said in a little voice that she probably thought sounded cute. "I-I didn't see you!"

"Shush!" I told her. "I have some... business to discuss with you. You understand that I cannot reveal my face. You may call me Mrs. Tiddywinkles."

"Tiddywinkles... san." She said. "Wh-What do you need?"

"Give me all your Mew Mew Power DVDs!"

"O-ok."

"Hatori did the driving!" (this was the stupid onigiri from before, that somehow resurrected itself.)

She handed it over. I was about to run to the nearest TV when her eyes suddenly misted over. "You know..." she said, and suddenly sickening flute music started to play out of nowhere. "We all have different kindnesses. My mom used to..." I ran out, scared out of my mind.

"Bye, Onion Lady!" said The Dog Whose Name I Shall Never Speak Again, waving his hand madly at me as I ran out of the house.

* * *

I've decided to throw in this little irritating spot in every chapter where I prattle about things. Here goes.

Yes, I had a ridiculous amount of fun writing this chapter XP. Oh, Aki-chan, we all love causing you misfortune.

By the way, the anime mentioned in here is Tokyo Mew Mew, otherwise known as it's english-dubbed, highly-edited-for-five-year-old alias "Mew Mew Power". This anime/manga is supposed to appeal to ten-and-under female children, hence why Kisa is watching it. The lyrics that Akito hears through the vent are the lyrics for the english version, which are rather cheesy as you can see.

Tohru is finally sucked into the great portal of maniac-diaries-ness in this chapter. Sorry if I make fun of her too much, because I really do like Tohru. I mean, her little optimism act and innocence and blindness to the fact that about four characters have the hots for her – how could you not? Besides the obvious.

Thank you for reviews, all the kindly persons... well, one person... *glomps*


	4. Tohru Promises Me an EasyBake Oven

Thursday, March 26

I HAVE FINISHED THE MEW MEW POWER DVDs!!!

Later

I went up to Hatori's office and knocked loudly, so he would hear me and quickly close his porn pictures and pretend to be 'working' on a blank Word document. Instead, I heard a much nicer and familiar voice go, "come in".

It was Kureno! Where the hell is Hatori? "Where the hell is Hatori?" I demanded.

"He's..."

He sat and looked at me for awhile.

... "out." He finished lamely.

"Is that porn I see on the screen?" I asked.

"NO!" he said, quickly closing it.

I sighed loudly and dramatically, something that always makes him cave in.

"what is it?" he frowned.

I timed it perfectly. I moved forward, put my hands on the desk, and said loudly, "I want to throw a party." As I predicted, he totally caved in. "okay!" he said, grinning like he was in pain.

Hah.

That was when it all went wrong.

Shigure walked in, going, "Kureno-chaaan, have you seen my SpongeBob socks?" and Kureno was all, "I think Momiji stole them. I'm talking to Akito about her – HIS – party so..."

He trailed off lamely, and Gaylord Ayame skipped in quite gayly screaming at the top of his lungs, "Wow! These SpongeBob socks are so delightfully springy! Soooo... Aki-chan, I couldn't help but overhear you're throwing a party! Let me and Gure-chan plan it! It'll be so much fun and blah, blah, blah."

"SILENCE!" I yelled, trying to speak louder than the Gaylord Snake. Then Hatori walked in, and thus it went downhill even more.

"Ayame, I could hear you all the way across the street. Shigure, Kyo is stuck on the roof at your house and screaming at the top of his lungs. Kureno, close that porn site right now. And Akito, stop acting spoiled."

Everyone had gone quiet while Hatori talked, and Ayame went all quietly with (fake) tears in his eyes, "I'm sorry, Ha'ri..."

Shigure opened his cell phone and talked into it. I heard something like, "Yuki? is that you? Get Tohru-chan. Tohru? Is that you? Forget about the soup. _Forget about it_. Now, is Kyo still on the roof? Good. Very good. Now, I want you to get some duct tape..."

Kureno closed the porn site window to reveal _another _porn site window, and he quickly closed that too.

Why does Hatori get whatever the hell he wants? He's the spoiled one. God. Anyway, in the end I had to let Shigure and Ayame "help" plan my party. I then called everyone in the zodiac, because everyone is coming to my party. Ha.

Momiji: allo?

Me: Rabbit! You shall come to my party next week.

Momiji: who is this? Is this Kyo prank calling me again? Ha, ha –

Me: SILENCE! This is Akito. Next week, rabbit.

Momiji: Akito Sohma?

_Click._

Tohru: Uh, hello~?

Me: Onigiri girl! I am having a party next week. You shall come. Count yourself lucky.

Tohru: Oh~! Oh, thank you so much~... uh~...

Me: Akito.

Tohru: Aki... Akito-san~?! Head of the Sohma house~?!

Me: let me enter in the key words slowly so your dim retarded brain can understand. Next week. Party. Bring presents. Got it?

Tohru: Th-thank you so much~! What would you like for a gift~?

Me: An easy bake oven.

_Click_.

Hatsuharu: what do you want, Akito-sama?

Me: For you to come to my party, Cow.

Hatsuharu: why?

Me: because I say so.

Hatsuharu: OK.

_Click_.

Kyo: IF THIS IS THAT DAMN RAT, PREPARE TO DIE! I KNOW IT WAS YOU WHO DUCT TAPED ME TO THE ROOF!

Me: It's me, you stupid cat.

Kyo: YUKI? YUKI? YOU BASTARD, YOU'RE GONNA DIE!

Me: It's AKITO, you dim-witted feline jackass. Come to my party. Next week.

Kyo: WHA-

_Click._

Yuki: Hello?

Me: Come to my party.

Yuki: Who is this?

Me: GOD DAMMIT, DON'T ANY OF YOU HAVE ME ON CALLER ID?! IT'S AKITO SOHMA, THE REASON YOU'RE ALL ALIVE TODAY!

Yuki: Why Yes, I'd love to come to your party, Akito-sama. See you then.

_Click._

Kagura: Hi

Me: spazzy-boar-girl, you are to come to my party next week. Bring presents.

Kagura: who is this? Is this.. KYO?!

Me: NO, it's –

Kagura: KYOOO!!! MY LOVE!! YOU CALLED ME!! I'M SO HAPPY, I'M HAPPY WITH ALL MY MIGHT!! GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE RIGHT NOW!

Me: it's –

Kagura: NOW!

Me: IT'S AKITO!

Kagura: oh, Akito? Whoops. Sorry, Kyo's on the other line! Gotta go

_Click._

Hiro: Who is this? What the hell do you want?

Me: it's Akito.

_Click._

_Redialing._

Hiro: who is this? What the hell do you want?

Me: Did you hang up on me?

_Click_.

_Redialing._

Hiro: someone keeps calling me back, who is it? it's bloody annoying.

Me: IT'S AKITO!

Hiro: Oh? Is that so?

Me (very fast): come-to-my-party-next-week-or-I-swear-on-the-zodiac-I'll-KILL-you.

Hiro: Wha? What was that?

_Click._

Kisa: ...

Me: This is Kisa, right?

Kisa... onee-chan?

Me: *sigh* No. it's Mew Mew Akito.

Kisa: If it's not too late, we can save the day if we collaborate...

Me: yeah, whatever. Look, I'm getting sleepy and sick of no one having me in their cell phones' phonebook, so just call onee-chan and ask her about Aki-chan's party, ok?

Kisa: K.

_Click._

* * *

I kind of feel like I failed here, because a lot of people seemed out of character. Namely, Akito and Momiji ;___;. Though, at least I have a nice plot to build on, namely Aki-chan's big party XP. I wonder what big problem will come up soon? I just keep yawning all over the place with no real plot in mind... Well, see you in Chapter 5! ;)


	5. My Rabbit Filled Day with the Flu

Friday, March 27

Kureno walked out in the street, as if it were full of Mexicans trying to kill roosters to put in tacos for Taco Day. He kind of fell into a taxi like he was drunk, and his shoelace got stuck in the door. What a loser.

He came back with paper plates and napkins and party hats. Then he went up to his room to write an emo poem. I stole one of his other emo poems from his emo shoebox under a loose emo floorboard under his emo dresser. Here it is.

I AM A SAD LITTLE CHICKEN

I am a sad little chicken

I live with a crazy sadist in a kimono

Who for some reason

Makes me buy her pies.

Sometimes

I feel

I

Am that pie.

I am cooked in the pie.

A roosterchicken pie.

And darkness closes over my head

As the pastry crust bakes.

And then

The crazy sadist in the kimono

Eats the pie.

I think the pie tastes good,

But the crazy sadist in the kimono

Says it tastes like crap boiled over.

The End.

10:09

On a completely unrelated topic, Kureno bought me a pie. He asked if it tasted good, and I said, "No, it tastes like crap boiled over." then he looked all sad for some reason.

11:27 am

The Dog walked into my rooms (without permission), all, "why are you mad at me Akii???"

He was all sad and chibi and I forced myself to avert my gaze.

"hnrgh, I don't know," I said loudly. "you put an evil hippie kimono in my wardrobe, you interrupt my Kureno-torturing session with SpongeBob sock complaints, and then you decide to hijack my party. Why would I be mad?"

He already left.

How dare he not listen to my rant. NASTIIII. NASTIIII. NASTIIII.

Later

My party is tomorrow! Yay!

After Finding Hatori's Alcohol Cabinet

KE KE KEEEE. I DRANK TOO MUCHZ WINE. WINE TASTE GUD. LOLS LOLS LOLSSSSSSSSSSSS S.D FaDF ASF;AHSD;FE. HEY GUESS WAT. RIN SLAP ME. HEE HEE HEE.

I don't bloody care what time it is

I have a hangover.

Uhhhh.

According to some old lady in a kimono, it's about twelve o'clock.

Hatori walked in to check on me, and he did something he rarely does. Which is, swear.

"Holy shit Akito, what the fuck happened to your FACE?"

I went to go look in the mirror, and my hair was all over my face. And my face was all red. I then proceeded to crumble to the floor quite dramatically, where Hatori caught me. Actually, he's really lucky I'm God of teh zodiac 'cause if I wasn't, POOF. Insta-seahorse. Anyway, I have a fever and a flu and must stay in bed all day. Pleeeuuughgshhhh.

1:08

Lunch: Chicken noodle soup.

3: 19

Hatori read me some crackpot old book published circa. 1900 called _The Tale of Peter Rabbit_, which is the WORST BOOK IN THE UNIVERSE. For one thing:

Who names their children Flopsy, Mopsy, and Cottontail? Those are hippie names. It's like naming your kid Sleet or Snookums.

Peter's mom is a tobacconist. She sells rabbit tobacco. WHAT THE F**K.

Peter's mom is also very irresponsible for leaving some idiotic bunnies frolicking in the forest where wolves and foxes prowl looking for baby bunnies. While she sells smokes.

Where is Peter's father? If he is divorced from Peter's mother, what are they doing in a tree in the middle of the forest when Mr. Peter Rabbit should be paying Mrs. Peter Rabbit alimony? Unless, of course, Flopsy, Mopsy, Cottontail, and Peter are ALL love children, making Mrs. Peter Rabbit MS. Peter Rabbit.

I conclude that Ms. Peter Rabbit is a very crappy mother indeed.

3: 44

Hatori has moved onto reading me _The Tale of Squirrel Nutkin_.

Kill me now.

4: 01

Hatori finally finished his story about some retarded squirrel with ADHD that plays games with acorns and all that crap and left the room.

4:04

I reread Peter Rabbit. NOW I know what happened to Peter's father. He went into Mr. Macgregor's garden and got baked into a pie some years previous to the story.

I must go ask Kureno to pick me up a rabbit pie. Mmmm.

4:33

Hatori's back.

4:40

Oh Sh*t. he's onto reading _The Tale of Benjamin Bunny._

4: 53

PLEASE. ANYONE. HELP ME. ONE MORE STORY ABOUT A BUNNY IN CLOTHING THAT DOESN'T DO AS HIS MOTHER SAYS AND I WILL BARF ALL OVER HATORI.

5:11

Hatori picked up YET ANOTHER book and said, "Now, let's read _The Tale of the Two Bad Mice_, shall we?"

I then proceeded to barf all over Hatori.

5:15

I'M CURED! NO MORE MICE! NO MORE RABBITS! NO MORE BUNNIES! NO MORE SQUIRRELS! AND, BEST OF ALL, NO HATORI MAKING HIS VOICE GO ALL SQUEAKY TO VOICE THE WOODLAND ANIMALS!

Party, here I come.


	6. Momiji Enjoys the Rabbit Pie

Saturday, March 28

I was sleeping in this morning, completely at peace, when I was greeted by Shigure, who had appeared to have rooted himself to my (expensive hardwood) floor.

"AKII-CHAAAN!!" he said in his irritating voice. "You look so cute when you're sleeping!"

I gave him my evil squinty eyes.

"Akii, Why do you look Chinese?"

5 minutes later

I rang my (newly acquired) bell for Kureno. Much to my dismay, Dr. Seahorse came instead. Attempting to hide my pissed-off-ness at Kureno, I said all *sagely* "Ah. Hatori. Kindly remove the dog in the kimono from my rooms."

Hatori said in his usual monotone, "You only have one room."

"Shut up."

"Don't talk to me that way."

"SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!" I said in a singsong really loudly.

"Can you not sing, Akito-chan? It's making my ears bleed," said Shigure meekly from the corner.

Later

Kureno, it seems, had been out buying the rabbit pie. He's stuck icing and candles in the pie, and it now resembles a mountain which millions of people have fallen off of.

10:07

Shigure went to pick up Yuki, Tohru, and Kyo.

10:30

Shigure came back to the main house crying, because Kyo had ripped up one of the beautiful leather seats of his new car.

"It's because that new car smell Shigure wouldn't shut up about actually smelled like LEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKS!!!!" said Kyo, eyes burning maniacally. "I HATE LEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKS!!!!"

Tohru was still la-dee-da-ing on the threshold. "What a nice house, Akito-san!" she said, making her voice go all high and squeaky. "I brought some food."

I made a beeline for Tohru and snatched the food.

IT WAS ONIGIRI. And suddenly, one of them sat up and said in a scratchy voice, "Hatori did the driving!"

NOOOOOOOOO!

2 minutes of hell later

Hatsuharu, Kisa, Hiro, and Momiji all came together. Momiji was laughing like a drunk girl on prom night, and Haru was staring quite blankly at Rin, who was hiding behind a screen flashing her eyes evilly. Kisa was staring evilly at Hatori, whom she still hadn't forgiven for the needle-incident. She was humming the Mew Mew Power opening under her breath. And Hiro turned to Hatori and said, "Got a smoke?"

AND HATORI GAVE ONE TO HIM. HE NEVER GIVES _ME _CIGARETTES. WHAT A MEANIE.

A few minutes later

God dammit. Kagura's arrived. As soon as she did, she was all, "KYOOOO!!! MY DARLING!!!! YOU CAAAAAMMMEE!!!"

She then proceeded to knock down Hatori's treasured Buddha statue, where it shattered into a million pieces. I know Hatori was trying to hold back his tears, but I couldn't help but snicker under my breath. I have bad memories about that statue, like the time Rin coloured in the eyes with permanent marker. They looked all black and scary, and they FOLLOWED ME ACROSS THE ROOM.

Haha, Buddha statue. Haha.

11:00

Ayame and Shigure have gone to talk about "old times" in the kitchen, and Hatori is left to scroll through more porn on his laptop. Hiro keeps trying to look too, but whenever he does Hatori opens up a blank word document and pretends to be "working".

Anyway, it was a total madhouse. What with

Momiji playing patty-cake with Kyo (who was looking pissed)

Hiro trying to look at porn

Kisa eating the Buddha statue (HAHA, Buddha statue!)

Yuki filing his nails making a loud grinding noise

Ayame and Shigure playing strip poker in the kitchen

Tohru dumping bleach into the dishwasher, which she thought was empty

Hatsuharu sitting in the dishwasher (which is in the living room because that was the only electrical outlet/jack left in the house when it got remodeled)

It was completely insane.

So I yelled really loudly, "SHUT UUUUUUPPPP!!!!!!!"

And they all did. YES! I am perfecting the loud yodel.

"I shall tell you all a story."

Blank stares.

"Sit down. Haru, get out of the dishwasher. Momiji, stop singing that silly tune. See what you did? It's stuck in my head now. And Yuki! look what you did! There are little bits of your nails all over the floor!"

"Waaaaahh! Kyo pushed me over!"

"Damn straight, you brat!"

"Haru, don't touch me that way! You're invading my personal bubble!"

"you old seahorse, I saw you looking at naked women on the internet!"

"I- I was working!"

"FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T' YOU EVER SHUT UP?!" I yelled at the top of my lungs. "water," I said to Kureno, ringing my bell, and he ran off.

"Now –" I sounded crackly, and cleared my throat.

"Hatori did the driving!"

"NOW!" I yelled. "let me tell you a story.

"it is about me, Akito-sama. One day, I was very, very bored. So you know what I did, little children?"

"I'm not little."

"Shut up. You know what I did? I went to McDonalds. They felt all sad for me so they gave me a HAPPY MEAL! It was the most lovely food in the world. Better than ONIGIRI" I glared a Tohru. "I'd like to have another Happy Meal, but Hatori said I was going to get fat." I glared at Hatori, but he was still looking at porn.

There was a long silence, which was broken by Momiji going, "I feel like dancing."

"fine, rabbit-boy. Everyone get up!" I told them, and they leapt up. "I'm going to teach you the Hare Hare Yukai!"

{to understand this, you must have seen the dance. It is fairly short, and it's worth watching. Link here: .com/watch?v=KrzZPXF6kUc}

"OK. Tohru is Haruhi. Yuki is Yuki. Kagura is Mikuru. Kyo is Kyon. Uhhhh... SHIGURE! PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON AND GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN! Shigure is Itsuki."

I then turned to everyone else.

"You're the second group... Momiji is Haruhi, Hiro is Kyon, Kisa is Mikuru... AYAME. PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON AND GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN! Ayame is Yuki."

"did you hear that?!" squealed Ayame. "Yuki! we're both the same role!"

"Shoot me now," muttered Yuki.

"We're missing one, Akito-sama!" yelled Momiji.

I looked around for an extra person. The only person left was Dr. Seahorse {oh, this'll be good. Hatori doing the Hare Hare Yukai ;)}

"Doctor Sea- Hatori! You're Itsuki!"

"What?"

Oh, this'll be fun.

11:34

"NAZU NAZU, KINTA INI, CHICK-YOU WO NEE WO, CHIK-YEE NO SOME THING SOMETHING."

SO much fun!

11:45

Hatori walked out on us in embarrassment because he found out Evil Rin had filmed us all dancing and had put it on YouTube.

11:53

Some people posted a comment on us dancing:

JcfROXlulKOOLZ: the genderless dude in the kimono in the background is funy lulz. He's yelling at the guy in the white jacket whos haruhi. Lmao love this vid :D

Foshizzlewowmisogansta: The guy in the white jacket whos Haruhi is hot :):):)

Gaylollipop125: AGREED. *5 stars*

sexyprincessmomo: THEY'RE ALL HOT. OMFG. *5 stars*

IHEARTFURUBA: Why do these people look familiar?

Kyoskittycat7: yeah, the orange-haired guy reminds me of someone :)

Iluvshigure1996: so does the guy with the longish black hair

TohrusOnigiri: where did u say you got this vid rin?

isuzugoesRinRinRin: sry, no can do. They'd kill me if I told u :D

Evil Rin.

12:00

Kureno has served us the rabbit pie. Mmmm.

12:13

Momiji said, "Wow! This pie is really good! What did you say was in it?"

12:20

Rin gets rabbit-pie-in-the-face. HA.

12:22

Broken shards of Buddha statue get rabbit-pie-in-the-face. HAHA, BUDDHA STATUE. HAHA.

12:30

For unknown reasons, a food fight rabbit-pie style breaks out.

12:45

No one wants to clean up the rabbit pie and we're all tired. So, to quote the Shaw Internet commercial, "This party's crashing hard."

So, I showed them where Hatori kept his liquor...

TO BE CONTINUED

**************************

Sorry, I really stretched out Akii's party. And there will be a super aftermath where Hatori comes back, and we discover just exactly what happened when the Sohmas get into the liquor cabinet (and no doubt have a drunk party) the next day via YouTube.

Thanks to purpleranchdressing0987 for the good idea that I will not mention as it will become clear in the next chapter XD


	7. I Become A Celebrity On YouTube

Sunday, March 29

I woke up in my bed this morning. Hang on! How did the party end? All I remember is

people slipping in rabbit pie

Hiro making out with Kisa

and Yuki taking off his pants

oh... hang on, it's all coming back to me.

Hatori coming back and yelling at us when he saw rabbit pie all over the room. when Hatori gets all agitated, he drinks.

Ayame making waffles (badly) and throwing them at people

and a big black eye on the wall.

Hang on. It wasn't an eye... it was a... video camera?

Two minutes later

Rin was prancing the main house, singing at the top of her lungs, "I'm a YouTube celebrity! I'm a YouTube celebrity!"

Oh... Oh... OH, SHIT.

On YouTube

Yep. All you have to do is check Rin's channel and there are various videos entitled stuff like, "Momiji eats a piece of rabbit pie filling", "Dr. Seahorse Gets Drunk And Starts Crying About His Ex-Girlfriend And Narrating It To Tohru", "Shigure And Ayame Play Ring-Around-The-Rosy", "Kyo and Kisa (amazingly and with the magic of computer graphics) turn into kitties and tigers", and, most definitely and positively the worst: "AKITO SINGS SHANAIA TWAIN DRUNKENLY!!!!" it has over 1,000,000 views!

NOOOOO!!!!

I don't want to click it, but I have to be strong.

Be strong, Akito.

If I die of embarrassment, this journal must tell what REALLY happened so that Rin can go to Juvie Hall. Or better yet, Alcatraz.

3:47 seconds later

It's me singing really loudly, "MAN, I FEEL LIKE A WOMAN!" and Yuki and Hatori doing a weird dance in the background that might have been the Hare Hare Yukai.

God dammit! Shit! Fuck! Superkallafragulisticexpiealladocious, even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious!

I'm never drinking ever again.

Blarghad'as

Hatori walked into the room, looking almost as crappy as me. In fact, he was too hungover to even care that I had gotten into his liquor cabinet and thrown a drunken party with rabbit pies. Oh, and done a funny dance with The Rat to my (admittedly mediocre) Shania-Twain singing.

I asked him, "have you been on Rin's YouTube channel yet?"

"What?"

On YouTube

Hatori went to Rin's channel, and said suddenly "Hang on. That's me." He was pointing to the one entitled, "Dr. Seahorse Gets Drunk And Starts Crying About His Ex-Girlfriend And Narrating It To Tohru".

"er... yeah."

HE CLICKED ON IT. Hee hee. Rin is soooo dead.

4:58 seconds later

It was, sadly, HILARIOUS. Hatori was sitting, rocking back and forth madly talking in a squeaky voice to Tohru, who was looking quite distressed (she was the only one who didn't get drunk off 4 glasses of hard liquor).

Hatori: Hers... Kana's... they say that... ...being with another person can make you feel so much more alive. I realized than what those people meant. To me... ...she was spring. It was as if while imprisoned inside the dark cage of the inner family... ...I had completely frozen into snow... ...and there she was – fresh, clear spring.

Tohru: Hatori-san...

Hatori: It was almost inevitable that I would fall in love with her. But it was also inevitable... ...that she would find out. I started crying. It was the first time in my life I felt forgiven. Like I was saved. Like the frozen snow that's melted by the breath of spring... ...the tears wouldn't stop. The next two months were literally... ...like a dream. "it's as if a lifetime of happiness has been condensed into two short months!"... ...she said, smiling.

Tohru *sniff*

Hatori (all dark and *sagely*): NOW THAT SMILE PEIRCES MY HEART.

Tohru: *full on cries* (now that I think about it, she might've been a little drunk.)

Hatori (ploughing on through Tohru crying): the end of the dream... ...came when I asked Akito for permission to marry her.

Me (In the background): hey, what was that about me?

Shigure (a little tipsy): haa, EL-OH-EL, I remember that. Akito really spazzed out that day, didn't he? He got super pissed 'cause you bled all over her hardwood floor...

Tohru: Her?

Shigure: yeeeaaaaaaahhhh.

Tohru: I'm confused.

Shigure (slopping a martini down his front): 's OK to bee confused, Tohru-kun. Do you understand?

Tohru (crying): no.

Hatori (still determined to reach the end of his narration): SHE FELL ILL. No matter what I said or did... ...she did nothing but cry.

Tohru: but...

Hatori: I couldn't even blame Akito.

Me: hey, I'm pretty sure you're talking about me over there...

Hatori: It was the **curse**. And so she fell ill. HER HEART FELL ILL. "she wants to forget." Is this... ...retribution? even if it hurt them and made them cry...

(Hatori blathers on about erasing memories).

(Rin waves a sign in the background that says, "don't worry! This crap's nearly over!")

Hatori: ...the memories of the one person most important to me... ...the **memories** most important to me. No, I'm the one... ...who should apologize. I was the one who couldn't protect you. But, despite that, you only thought of me until the very end. If that is the depth of her love... ...if that's why she became sick... ...THAN IT ISN'T RIGHT FOR HER TO SUFFER. Please let her... ...find someone who can make her happy. I pray. Even if I die surrounded by snow that never melts... ...I DON'T CARE. Please... PLEASE... *Hatori passes out*

THE END.

Hatori kind of watched the thing at the end where YouTube suggests related videos.

He mouthed something.

"what?"

"that's not funny."

"I know."

He watched the screen saver for a minute.

"I'm sorry."

Hatori turned around slowly. "...what?"

"I'm sorry."

Hatori looked like a Christian who had just seen Jesus make a miracle.

"Akito... that's the first time you've ever apologized to anyone."

"really?"

"you're finally starting to think about other people's feelings!"

"other people? What's that?"

He sighed. "never mind."


	8. My Fate is Sealed

Monday, March 30th

Yes! Kureno is standing in for stupid Dr. you're-finally-starting-to-think-about-other-people's-feelings Seahorse! Kureno will definitely cave in to my wishes. And right now, my wish is for me not to be BORED. Maybe its spring fever or maybe it's just having to listen to one of the old ladies upstairs blast her punk music through the heating vent, but I WANT TO GET OUT OF THIS DUNGHEAP.

Meh.

10:27 

I went into Dr. Seahorse's office to look for Kureno and found a very disturbing sight. Kureno was HUMMING in a PINK FLOWERED APRON making WAFFLES.

God help us. What is this world coming to, what with the lead in Chinese toys, Barack Obama putting his own opponents in his office, and cross-dressing roosters making waffles?

Neither do I.

"KU-REE-NOH." I said very loudly and commandingly.

"hm?"

"I AM STUPEDNOUSLY IMPOSSIBLY ANNOYINGOSITILY bored."

Kureno seemed very impressed with my big words. Or maybe he was just impressed with the way the Cool Whip was falling off his waffle.

"Oh. Well. What would you like to do?"

"I DON'T KNOW!" I yelled even louder. "THAT'S FOR _YOU_ TO FIGURE OUT!"

"I'm sorry!" said Kureno, practically crying as if his tail feathers had just been yanked out to be stuffed in tacos.

"Gooooooood."

And thus, I left Dr. Seahorse's office with dignity.

Later

Nooooo!

Kureno's idea of "figuring out" what to do was to go talk to Shigure!

I'm screwed. Soooo screwed.

Stupid me. No. Stupid KURENO.

11:45

YES. I AM TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY SCREWED.

The baka dog's thought process:

"wow! If a rooster comes to me for advice on how to entertain a fussy zodiac god, I'll make sure to force the fussy zodiac god to come with me, a spazzy cat, a mutant rat and an onigiri on a "fantabulous" vacation! There we can sit in a moldy old cabin and play Dim Him Lim or Die Hammin' or whatever the f**k that card game's called!"

Oh, yes. I'm going up to some crackpot island for spring break with The Dog and The Cat and The Rat and The Onigiri Girl.

And I'm sharing a room with Kyo and Yuki.

And Tohru's next door to us.

And Shigure across the hall.

HELP!

Akii-chan's doomsday countdown:

_Four days~_

************

This chapter brought to you by: SUGAR AND CAFFEINE.

Sorry this chapter is so short! But I want to get going on the fantabulous vacation they're all going to have. Typical Shigure. Making a crazy pyromaniac join them on vacation XD

Thank you for all the reviews! You're the people who keep my fingers moving on the keyboard.

I'm going to do one chapter on Akito packing and his/her doomsday countdown, and then it's on to the fantabulous vacation! If you have any ideas about how to ruin Akito's life for those two chapters, don't hesitate to tell me!

I'm also putting up a character popularity poll on my profile, and everyone's appearances (excluding Akito, who will obviously show up in every chapter)will go up and down depending on the results. So, please vote! ;)


	9. Footsie turns Very Violent

April 4th

Shigure picked us up to drive to the ferry terminal.

I swear to God... no! I'm God! Crap! Who does God pray to, anyhoo?

9:09

Yuki has started to hum, "99 bottles of beer on the wall".

9:15

Yuki has burst into song about "99 bottles of beer on the wall".

9:19

Kyo asks, "are we there yet?"

9:20

Kyo asks, "are we there yet?"

9:22

Kyo asks, "are we there now?"

9:24 

We're in the ferry lineup. Yuki rushes to go to the bathroom.

9:29

Yuki comes back, smelling like public washroom.

9:30

Tohru sneezed very loudly, and snot went all over the back of Shigure's seat (Shigure still doesn't know).

"oh, I'm so sorry!" she said, but made no move to clean it up.

9:45

Kyo and Yuki started playing footsie.

9:48

Footsie has turned very violent.

9:50

Kyo has started kicking the back of the seat.

HELP.

Shigure is doing a crossword. Last time I saw him, he was trying to figure out, "What colour is a red fire truck?"

"this one's a toughie," he keeps telling us.

10:04

A lady comes over a loudspeaker. "we're sorry for the inconvenience. The ferry going to MIDDLE OF NOWHERE is delayed."

Whoopee.

Tohru went to the bathroom. When she came back, she made a big farting noise. She than said, "oh, I'm so sorry!" but made no move to open the windows.

God, I'm going to die soon.

10:09

Rin texted me:

"HAVE FUN, AKITO :D".

Evil Rin.

10:15 

FINALLY the ferry came. But no. the fricking foot passengers need to get on first. I asked Shigure, "why are there feet going onto a ferry?"

He said, "I dunno."

10:30

FINALLY WE'RE ON THE DAMN FERRY!

It made a big noise kind of like:

HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNKKKKKKKKK.

"Akito, you look like a kid in a toy store," Shigure observed. "Have you ever been on a ferry before?"

I didn't answer.

12:00

Well, were here. At the moldy cabin.

_Things to know about the moldy cabin:_

it smells like old people

there are a whole bunch of paint flakes on the floor

Kyo has already shredded up the curtains with his claws

Tohru has already barricaded herself in the kitchen, and is churning out food like Danish pastries out of nowhere.

Shigure has seated himself in some rocking chair in an effort to look all wise and grandfatherly. Sadly, the rocking chair broke as soon as he sat in it.

When Shigure asked how the rocking chair managed to break under a light guy like him, Yuki replied, "I think I saw the Fisher Price logo at the back."

We've already started playing Dai Hin Min. dammit! I've been the poor man fifteen times in a row, and Shigure can't pause for breath through all the laughing he's been doing.

HELLLPPP!!!

Oh, damn. Poor man again.


	10. I Scream Like a Girl

Later the same night, about 8:00. Yes, we're still on this damn island

Roasting marshmallows! Guess what that means? We throw all the neighbor's dead cats on some kindling, pour gasoline over them, and then make some sparks and stand back (Kyo got into a fight with Mr. Next-door-neighbor's cats on the island; this is his revenge on them?). All our marshmallows smell like burning cat.

Yuck.

5 minutes later

Kyo put some gasoline on his marshmallow and stuck it in the fire.

Marshmallow go BOOM.

9:30

My marshmallow lit on fire, so I acted on instinct and threw the flaming marshmallow into Shigure's hair.

9:32

Shigure's hair smells like burning cat.

Later

We heard Ms. Next-door-neighbor's mom calling in a crackly voice from their porch, "Mr. Cream Puff? Where is you? Heeerre, kitty-kitty-kitty-kitty."

I yelled back at her, "Mr. Cream Puff is covered in gasoline and burning!"

Shigure snorted.

Ms. Next-door-neighbor's mom didn't call for Mr. Cream Puff again.

10:30

Shigure opened up his supply of beer, and Yuki has a blackmail tape now of me singing, "Man, I feel like a woman – round two" on his digital camera. It's much more funny now, apparently, because the end of my shoe caught on fire and I was hopping around crazily, still belting out the lyrics.

Uhhhh.

11:00

Shigure says that we all have to play ring-a-round-the-Rosie or he will broadcast on the internet videos off all the following:

Me singing Shania twain with my burning shoe

the pictures of Yuki in the dress

the video of Kyo spilling leeks all over the kitchen floor and looking like he was doing an Irish jig as he tried not to touch them

so we all glumly joined hands and sang ring-a-round-the-Rosie in a monotone.

Later

The neighbors heard us singing loudly, "A POCKET FULL OF POSIES, A TISSUE, A TISSUE, WE ALL FALL DOWNNNNNN!!!!"

They wanted to know if we had been drinking.

If only they knew.

12:03

We've been joined by a munch of surfers down from the pier. They've brought their giant boom box and fifteen gazillion bags of Doritos.

1:30

Wow! This place has turned into party central. All the teenagers from all over the island are all here playing ring-around-the-Rosie and eating Doritos. Someone also brought beer, so everyone's drunk, and more marshmallows, so everyone's sugar-high.

WHEEE!!!

2:00

Hmmm. Yuki is very popular with all the teenage girls. They were all whining, "Yun-chaaaan, please dance with us!" and he was like, "No, I'm kind of tired."

"what are you doing?" I hissed at him. "this is your big chance!"

"Nooooo!" he said, and looked very scared.

Baka.

3:00-ish

Finally, we headed back to moldy-cabin central to sleep. Shigure was all drunk and we could barely get him into bed.

KYO IS SNORING LIKE A PIG. OH MY GOD. HE WON'T SHUT UP!!!! Yuki is muttering in his sleep; it's stuff like, "no! Akito, not High School Musical! I'm begging you.... not High School Musical... Nooooo..." and I can hear Tohru talking to herself next door. She's like, "Wow, mom! What an exciting day! I guess it goes to show! Anything can happen if you just-stay-positive! Do-do-do... do-do-do-DO-do... do-do-do... do-do-do-DO-do.... do-DO-do-do-DO-do... –DO-do-do-do-DO-do... do-DO-do... do-do-do-DOOO....

And then there was this NOISE. It was like, AROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND I SCREAMED LIKE A GIRL.

Normally, I try to pitch my screams lower than they actually are. But I didn't have the forewarning this time, so what came out what the most high-pitched, flutey, most feminine-sounding scream I've ever heard. Or seen. Or ever known could come out of me!

(and Kyo or Yuki did not wake up, at all. Scary).

And then I ran to the last place I should ever run, which was Shigure's room.

"SHIGUREEE!!!!!" I screamed, not even bothering to pitch my voice again.

"zzz... Wha... _Akito?!_" he said, actually waking up. "You sound... you sound like.... _a girl._"

"shut up!" I said, carefully pitching my voice this time. "there's a creepy thing outside that's making this noise!!!"

Rubbing his eyes, he listened. "Akito... it's a wolf."

"no!" I shrieked, sounding like a girl again. "it wants to eat me!"

"don't talk like a girl. You're making me lose concentration and focus too much on forming sick thoughts in my mind."

Pervert! "Pervert!" I said. "it wants to eat me!"

He listened for a minute, and then said, "No. He doesn't. He's talking to his pack about a bunch of deer on the other side of the island. Now will you go back to sleep?"

Humph.

So I put in giant headphones to block out Kyo snoring and went back to sleep.

******************

Sorry about the random ShigurexAkito moment =_=0 I really like that pairing and I'm kind of jammed in romance-mode ever since I started this Shugo Chara fanfic... anyway, thkuxgazillion to PurpleRanchDressing0987, Obradroxmysox, and cherrichan13 for loyally reviewing on almost every chapter since you started reading... you all get confetti and an imaginary muffin! YAY!

We're into the double digits now, koollness... see you in chapter 11~!!


	11. I Make the Ultimate Sacrifice

Home! Finally!

YESSS!!!

We're finally home! After many delays! Those delays being:

The guys working at White Spot on the ferry forgetting to put pickles on Yuki's burger, and Yuki making them go back and make him a new one.

Tohru wanting to go on the toy boat that cost a quarter, and she only had twenty cents, so in the end she was crawling all over the ground looking for nickels because she didn't want to borrow from anyone, god forbid.

Kyo getting into a fight with the fast-food girl on the ferry, and thus a two-man food fight ensues.

Later

As soon as Shigure and I stepped into the main house, a main ran up to us screaming.

"what's she saying?" I asked Shigure, looking at the wall with mild interest.

He listened intently, and then said, "it's something about Hatori. Oh, and... a snake? A white snake?"

"weird."

But he kept listening to the babble the maid was spewing out, a worried look on his face (which is a first). "You know, that snake couldn't have been Aya, could it?"

"nah," I said, picking at a paint flake.

The maid turned to me, flapping her arms crazily. "sensei white snake ate!"

Then I turned around for real, actually feeling kind of worried. Dunno why. "Shigure, I think Hatori miiight have accidentally swallowed Aya. I mean, white snakes aren't native to Japan, are they?"

He looked really freaked out now. "how the hell could he have swallowed a damn snake?"

Now _that _was weird. I bet Shigure has never swore in his life.

"it was in his rice bowl," said another (coherent) maid. "gone to the hospital."

And the prodded the coffee maker.

"stupid Ayame," I groaned, not able to get rid of the worried feeling. Why won't it go away? "sleeping in a rice bowl."

Shigure went wide-eyed. "YOU IDOT, AKITO! He's probably going to transform back, and if he does, then..."

"don't finish," I told him. "way to gross. Ewww. Now I have a sick mental image."

"sensei hospital!!!" shrieked the incoherent maid.

And then Shigure took my hand and ran like crazy for the car.

Hospital

Uuuunnnggg.

Predictably, the idiot doctors aren't able to get at stupid Ayame. So, Shigure got rid of all the pesky nurses by setting off a stink bomb at the other end of the hospital, and then we sat down to chat with Hatori. But I really, really don't want to look, because the worried feeling keeps getting worse, and it's annoying as hell.

"Akito," said Hatori, who didn't really look sick at all. "you came."

"why wouldn't I come, Dr. Seahorse?" I mumbled grumpily.

"because you're a self-centered pyromaniac?" volunteered Shigure.

"thanks, Dog."

"welcome."

Hatori looked upset. "Ayame's probably not transforming back because of lack of air. I'm swallowing as much I can, but..."

"oh, for gods' sake," I snapped. "fine. I'll do it."

They all look confused. Of course they do.

Outside the hospital room. Everyone thinks I'm some deranged emo kid because I'm sitting on the floor writing, but Oh Well. 

There is one way to save Dr. Seahorse, of course. My father told me about a long time ago, before he kicked the bucket, but at the time I was just like, "ha! Like I'd do that!"

My father was all *sagely*, "Akito, if anyone in the zodiac's in danger, don't forget that as you're the 'God' figure, true sacrifice is one way to save them. Ok?"

He was concentrating so much on sounding like a Disney movie narrator he didn't really make himself clear to a four-year-old. So I squeaked, "sacrifice? How?"

"well, of course, there's many different types of sacrifices. But this is ULTIMATE SACRIFICE!"

"what's that?"

He sighed, annoyed. I could tell he was really disappointed that a toddler wasn't getting his foreshadowing or whatever.

"well, life."

There was a silence for a minute, and then I was all like, "OH, I get it! so you sacrifice your life and then they're all better!"

"yes!" he said, beaming.

Well, I guess I didn't quite grasp that when I was little.

But, in essence, what had I seriously done for the zodiac? That question kept me preoccupied for a minute, and then an irritating voice at the back of my head said, "_squat."_

What had Hatori done? This question was easier. He erases memories, and treats people, and keeps them from getting sick and plays Responsible Parent to me and Shigure. Aya does squat too, though. That made me feel better.

That fact still remained, though. I may not be a stock market trader, but I know what a good deal is. Two lives for one is a pretty fair trade-off. Sigh. Well, those doctors aren't' making much headway on making Hatori barf up Ayame, so I guess it's up to me to do something as stupid as shoulder responsibility. And this isn't even something I can shove off on Kureno, either, like the electricity bills.

So I went into the broom cupboard and rooted around for some rat poison.

Five minutes later

You know, the doctors really shouldn't keep rat poison hanging around in every second broom cupboard. Wouldn't some mentally damaged patient just be able to walk over to broom cupboard and *gulp*! There goes another one.

It's actually easier than I thought it would be to commit suicide, actually. I took a last look at Hatori playing tic-tac-toe with Shigure in the other room.

Actually, I'll leave the diary here. it says, "this belongs to Akito Sohma, no readie!" on the front, so at least they'll know this touching and not-so-difficult sacrifice I made for Dr. Seahorse.

Well, here goes. BYE, DIARY!

* * *

Cliffhanger!!! Cliffhanger!!!

Typical Akito. Treating suicide with light-fingered contempt.

Anyway, I'm sorry this fic was so short! One more chapter, maybe an epilogue, and then that's it. Twelve chapters is good, one for every zodiac member, right? XD But, this is only my first fanfiction and I don't want to be writing this for the rest of my life! It is really quite serious though, isn't it? I wanted some serious fraction of plotline near the end, but I ended up laughing my ass off at the rat poison anyway =_=0.

I might post some other diaries on other Sohma members in the Furuba section later, so... keep me on Authour Alert~! _Maniac Diaries _will be finished by Wednesday. I kinna feel miserable, having to end it, like I killed one of my children :'(

On that happy note... -_-


	12. Cream Puffs

**AN: in this fanfiction, Ren, Akito's Mom, is dead. Well, we all saw it coming, and she kind of deserves it from how evil she was D:**

I don't know how later

HAA! Not dead yet, huh! Well, I was close to dying, according to the doctors. I actually saw the cliché tunnel with the bright light at the end. And then there were two people standing right in front of it. I was about to shove past them like I do to old guys on the subway, and then one of them said, "Hold it, Akito."

I stopped dead, and the guy dragged me back. "hang on!" I said. "you're my dad!"

"yes, well spotted."

"I need to die, so let me go through!"

"I need to die, so let me go through!" the other person mimicked.

I turned to look at them. "Mom? What are you doing here? You're both dead!"

"she doesn't get it," muttered my father under his breath.

"you _are _dead, Akito," my mother said abruptly. "well, not entirely dead. In-between."

"well, get whatever you want to say done quickly, because if I don't die soon Aya's gonna turn back and-"

"don't you get it, Akito?" my father said. I could sense him going all Disney-movie narrator on me again. "the fact that you were _willing _to sacrifice yourself, to throw aside your selfishness for another person, is a sacrifice in itself!"

"you're losing me." I said.

He sighed, and my mother said, "the point is, you have a choice. Either way, Dr. Seahorse and that perverted snake will live. Happy?"

"so what's the choice?"

"back there or up there."

"oh, thanks. That makes perfect sense."

"she inherited the sarcastic gene," groaned my father, and my mother ploughed on. "through the tunnel into the flashlight or back down to that scary hospital. You choose."

"that's easy!" I said. "flashlight it is!"

"DAMMIT!" they both yelled. "that's not what you're supposed to say!" whined my father. "You're supposed to choose to go back down to earth and change your ways! Screw it, Ren. Let's send her back anyway."

And so they sent be back.

Meanies.

Later

When I woke up, I was sitting in the stupid hospital bed. I then proceeded to tell the nurse what I had seen, but I don't think she believed me.

Later... again... there are no stupid clocks in here

Hatori and Aya are finally free! Them, Shigure, and Kureno all came to visit me. Hatori was all teary-eyed.

"I don't believe it! you almost killed yourself for me!" he sobbed. (the nurse kept backing away slowly).

"meh."

Shigure was sitting in the corner, silent, looking like a kimono-clad Death but Kureno wouldn't shut up. He kept babbling about Taco Day and electricity bills and a bunch of other crap.

Later (the nurse tells me it's 3:00, but I don't know what day

Rin and Hatsuharu came running in! they were all panicky and Rin was all, "AKITO! Do you have footage of your near-death experience I can put on YouTube?"

"you forgot the 'sama'," I informed her.

"whatever."

Hatori said after they left, "You know, that's Rin's way of showing she was worried about you."

"why would anyone be worried about me?"

"I dunno."

The next day

I actually got around to telling Hatori and Shigure about the flashlight at the end of the tunnel. When I (finally) stopped, Hatori had this big fit and he went on and on about how you _never _say that you want to go through the flashlight.

"do you even know what the flashlight _really _was?"

"it was a flashlight... right?" I said.

He sighed. "what a dumbass."

Shigure suddenly spoke from the corner. "did you see Ren?"

My mother? "yeah."

"did you punch her?"

"no."

"baka. You should have punched her."

"I don't think you can punch dead people."

Then the ONIGIRI GIRL came in to visit! Nooooo!!! And she was with The Cat. And they were smiling dopily. Oh, crap. They must be going out.

"congrats," I said pointedly to them holding hands, and onigiri girl went all red and went on this funny rant about dish detergent. Kyo just kept yelling at The Rat from the doorway.

The day after that

I'M FREE!!! FREE FROM THIS EBIL HOSPITAL!!! Apparently all the rat poison is out of my circulatory system or some other crap but who cares I'm FREE!!!

As soon as I came back, I was attacked by Ritsu's mom...

"I'M SOOO SORRYY!!!" she screamed crazily. "I WILL KEEP ALLLL THE RAAAT POISON OUT OF YOURR REEAAAACCCHHHH!!!! UUAAAAAAAAAAGGHHHH!!!!"

"Shigure!" I yelled. "bring the electric bug zapper!"

The day after THAT. Yep I still don't know what day it is and are too lazy to ask Kureno.

For some reason, we've now made a kind of truce with Tohru and Kyo. This truce seems to involve them walking over to the main house and eating through my supply of cream puffs.

Anyway, I was sitting playing 'Dai Hin Min' (in which, sadly, I am poor man for the 489th time in a row) with Shigure, Hatori, Kureno, Ayame, Kyo and Tohru when I said to the two of spades, "you know, I think I'll start dressing like a girl,"

"oh... you mean you'll start cross-dressing like Rit-chan-san?" said Tohru, who was close to taking my place as poor man.

Shigure coughed. "uh... no. She actually wouldn't be cross dressing."

"SHEEEE?!" said Kyo, his eyes bugging out at me.

"yeah, she," I said, still talking to the two of spades. "don't I totally resemble a princess?"

Hatori snorted.

"DAMMIT, I CAN'T BELIEVE I'VE BEEN GETTING PUSHED AROUND BY A GIRL!!!"

"you'll be pushed around physically too if you don't shut up," I said mildly.

"w-well, Akito-san," said Tohru, who's eyes were little chibi spirals, "I-I'm sure it w-would be good if you started dressing like the gender you actually a-are..."

"some people might not believe you, though," said Shigure, looking at the ceiling.

"why not?"

"you're still flat as a board."

On a completely unrelated subject, Shigure is now Poor Man and has a nice amount of bruises all over his face.

I have no idea how that happened, so don't blame me. Nooooo idea.

* * *

HAPPY ST. PATRICKS DAY! beware, i will hunt down any non-green wearers :P

Just so you know, because I've never said it, I DO NOT OWN FRUITS BASKET, AKITO, OR ANY OTHER THING IN THIS FIC (except for the rat poison, which is pretty much useless unless you want to commit suicide) ~~~

Did anyone actually think I would kill Akito off? Triple LOL if you did! I would prolly mourn her for weeks!

One more chapter, the epilogue, left. It'll be when they're all grown up so you can see what happened and who ended up with who.

Oh yeah, and I totally had to include some Kyoru in there because I'm just a crazy fangirl that way =_= and I'm leaving who Akito ends up with a secret, but... you all totally know who it's going to be by now, probably. And Hatori ends up with Samii, lol (no one will get that unless you're crazymusician22... or you read their fanfiction...lala).

Anyway, byes~~~!


	13. Epilogue

EPILOGUE

The park was totally still, except for the sound of running footsteps. A boy ran past, and his hapless mother yelled, "Hataru, get back here!"

_She looks familiar_, thought Tohru. _But where have I..._

Before she could finish her thought, she felt her own daughter, Kyoko, run past her. _Kyo's zoning out as always,_ she thought fondly, but before she could call Kyoko back she had crashed headlong into the black-haired boy.

"I'm so sorry!" Tohru wailed, running over, but the other mother seemed quite unruffled by an insane orange-haired girl crashing headlong into her son. _Was his name Hataru?_ She thought. _I think that's what I heard her say. _

The mother of the child named Hataru looked up, and Tohru gasped. Slowly, she said, "...Akito?"

"Hm?" the mother looked up. "Yes, that's me. And you're the Onigiri Girl. That short haircut makes you look hopelessly 'soccer mom'."

"AKI-CHAN!" Tohru said, close to tears of joy. "I'M SOOO HAPPY TO SEE YOU!!! I didn't recognize you with your hair so long now!"

Akito fingered her hair absent-mindedly. "Oh? I've had it like this for awhile now."

"But it looks really good!"

"Tohru-kun?" said a surprised voice behind her, and she turned around to see a much more mature-looking Shigure (albeit without the kimono).

"Daddy!" whined Hataru, interrupting the adults talking. "Evil mommy isn't letting me run!"

"Oh, that's right, go crying to him," snapped Akito.

"D-daddy?" said Tohru, her eyes going in chibi spirals. "S-so you and Akito-san are-are-"

"I see Tohru-kun is as slow as ever, it seems," said Shigure cheerfully.

"Hey, Daddy, why does that guy have orange hair?" said Hataru, completely disregarding his mother.

"Huh, I don't- KYON-KYON!" yelled Shigure, waving frantically.

"I'm going pretend I didn't just see a perverted moron wave at me from across the park," muttered Kyo, but he came over to the growing congregation anyway.

"I see you're hair is carroty as ever," said Shigure, rumpling it affectionately. "I thought you and Tohru-kun were going to Kazuma's dojo?"

"I can't stand it there anymore since Hanajima started invading," said Kyo, giving Shigure the evil eye.

"Aw, just admit it! You missed me, lalala."

"Shigure, darling, shut up and let the adults do the talking," said Akito, whacking him on the back of the head.

While Shigure mouthed the words, 'unhealthy relationship', Akito continued. "the orange-haired girl is yours, I suppose?"

"Oh, yes," said Tohru happily. "This is Kyoko Sohma."

"This is Hataru Sohma!" said Shigure, holding the boy in question's arms to keep him from running away in pursuit of a pigeon again.

"He looks like you except less perverted with better hair," said Kyo dryly.

"I see Kyoko-chan looks just like Tohru-kun except she appears to have inherited the carrot-head gene," said Shigure, and Akito hit him again. "what was that for, Aki-chaaan?"

"Don't be rude about other people's children."

"We all know you love me, Aki-chan. There's no need to pretend."

"Actually, the only reason I married you was because you have a Wii and Hatori wouldn't buy me one," said Akito, inspecting her nails absent-mindedly.

Shigure muttered weakly, 'so cold', and then brightened up and kept talking. "So, how long are you staying?"

Kyo and Tohru exchanged a look. Kyo cleared his throat. "Well, actually, we're thinking of getting a house right here in Tokyo."

"Because I don't like sleeping in Kazuma ojii-san's dojo, desu," supplied Kyoko. this was the first time she had spoken.

"No one likes sleeping in a dojo," pointed out Hataru, and he and Kyoko got into their own conversation while the old friends continued to talk.

"A house? Nice," said Akito mildly. "Oh yes, I've had to move into Shigure's house and it SUCKS. Oh no, God forbid we just couldn't get a house 'inside' the Sohma family like Hatori but Nooooo... and he still won't let me hire a housekeeper to lift the house out of it's 'bachelor pad' state," she said mournfully.

"It's because no housekeeper would do such a good job as Tohru-kun," whined Shigure, and then he was silent for a minute. "WAIT!" he yelled, making them all jump. "Why don't you stay with us while you look for a house and Kyoko-chan could play with Hataru. ANNNDD, this would solve Akito's stupid housekeeper dilemma."

Tohru's eyes glowed eerily, and she said darkly, "Oh, but it would be too much trouble..."

"Yeah, I'm not sure I want my wife living with a pervert," said Kyo icily.

"Don't be stupid, I put Shigure on a leash during the day," smirked Akito.

"... I couldn't forget about Mom..." said Tohru.

"We're not asking you to go to Neptune," said Akito. "Or rather, Shigure isn't, as he didn't think to ask _me _about how _I _feel. But don't worry, I'm fine with it!" she added hurriedly as Tohru began to apologize.

"I want to go live with pervert-san and Hata-kun," said Kyoko, interrupting.

"Don't call him that!" snapped Kyo, but Tohru said slightly more cheerfully, "Well, if Kyoko-chan wants to go..."

"It's settled, then," said Shigure, picking up Hataru. "It'll be just like old times, won't it, Kyon-Kyon?"

"The things I do to please my wife," he muttered, but grinned slightly.

"Well, Onigiri Girl, I say you take all your stuff and start moving in tonight," said Akito briskly, taking Hataru from his father's arms. "The house also needs cleaning and such and the guest room needs to be unearthed. Meh. Oh, and sadly you'll have to put up with Hatori, as he visits quite often to play Wii golf with Shigure."

"Oh, I'd love to see Hatori-san again!" said Tohru excitedly. "And Rin-san and Rit-chan-san and Ayame-san and... what happened to Sohma-kun?"

"Yuki and Ayame are still single, too," sighed Akito. "They all visit, too, and they always raid the fridge, and... ugh."

"Let's face it, you hang out with us, raid the fridge, and play Wii golf too," Shigure reminded her, and together the four Sohmas and their two children walked off into the sunset.

"Hang on, what are we doing?" said Akito. "We're going the wrong way to get to your house, Shigure,"

"Whoops," said Shigure, and together the four Sohmas and their two children walked in the opposite direction down a graffitied alleyway.

* * *

WHAT HAVE I GOTTEN MYSLEF INTO? GAH!

The answer is: A SEQUEL. I swear to god I didn't plan it that way, but now... oh well. Anyway, stay tuned for the new sequel Motherhood Diaries, in which Akito continues her diary cooped up in Shigure's house with Tohru and Kyo and the OC children, and thus our story takes a sit-com-like turn T_T.

(you may use this as proof that I have become way too attached to Aki-chan and can't stand to let her go...)

Now a word on the lovely OC children I make up spur of the moment: It does seem very Tohru-like to name her child after her dead mom. As for Hataru, I reasoned that since both Shigure and Akito like Hatori, we might as well give their kid a name that sounds similar.

I've never written a sequel before, but I'll do my best, desu! *salute* *goes sailor-suit schoolgirl on her readers*

~.kimi, March 2009


End file.
